Goodbye cell phone, hello world!

At the end of October 2023 I did something incomprehensible to most of the world. I destroyed my cell phone. This was huge as my cell phone connected me to my past. I had two point verification linked to my email accounts and my phone. I didn't just say goodbye to my phone, I said goodbye to my emails as well! I said goodbye to all those past experiences, photos, memos, notes, and saved clips. I felt naked for a bit and then something incredible happened, I stop missing my phone.

I wrote a 100 page typed memoir and rather than publish it, I destroyed it with my phone. I just said goodbye and let it go! I worked hard on this memoir and originally had no intention of destroying it, until I learned shame can only survive if we hold on to the past. Once we write our true feelings we give a voice to the secrets we have been holding for a lifetime. For some, it may be important for the world to read our story. For me, it was enough to just write it out and acknowledge I survived! I was ready to let it go! I didn't need to destroy all of those people in my life who essentially tried to destroy me. I decided to take the high road and I am free! Brene Brown states it perfectly, “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It derives its power from being unspeakable. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. . . . Language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.” (Brown, Brené, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.) 

Giving up my phone was huge for me. I listened to my Spotify app every single spare minute of the day. I had my earbuds or at least one earbud in my ear at all times listening to songs written by those who have experienced similar traumas and overcame. I used my phone as therapy. When I was angry, I would play a song to empower me and remind me I am in control of my emotions. I decided to ride out the painful memory while singing, dancing, and walking to a calming melody. Or I would play a powerful song which gave me the courage to speak out and sing how I felt in that moment. I felt 6'6 while I was listening to the powerful music, take those earbuds out, silence the music, and I was back to 5'1.

Our need for constant noise or silence gives insight into our mental health. Look around you and you will notice how many people have at least an earbud in one ear. Look at those working and you will almost everyone has an earbud in their ear and others who wear old school headphones to completely block out the noise. What are we trying to silence? What are we trying to run from? We have failed to teach children and adults, you can never outrun your shadow. You must bring those dark secrets to light and learn to accept what is while moving forward to what can be. A truly difficult process but so rewarding!!!

The first time I walked without my Spotify app playing in my ear was unnerving. It took courage as I used the music to give me strength to face all those triggers in my world, some real and some imagined. I decided to try just one earbud which would also allow me to hear the noises around me as I walked. This was fairly simple. I lowered the music volume and noticed I was able to have conversations with those whose path crossed mine in the community. This could be as simple as a hello or if the person was not in a rush and fairly friendly, I could carry on a full on conversation. This proved to be extremely beneficial for me and the other person as well as so few people in our world today stop and acknowledge one another. We are all in need of connection, we just don't know how to break free from the chains of fear which immobolize us to act. I met so many people and in a few short minutes speaking with them I listened to their words and learned who they were. The next time our paths crossed, I would greet them by name and ask about their family or circumstance they shared in our previous conversation. It was surprising how many people were elated to have me remember them and acknowledge them! Wow, is this how easy it is to connect? Listening is much easier when you don't have the music blaring in your ears!

I slowly lowered my music volume each week and began to hear the birds singing, the dogs barking, cars backfiring, children laughing, rain water trickling down, drips from the faucet, and suddenly I began to see a whole new world. Now, there is also a balancing act to this connection. People begin to recognize you and seek you out as a friendly listener. I learned to be careful with whom I interacted as emotions are contagious. When our ears are in tune with our eyes, we begin to connect with our environment rather than drift off into the fantasy of our music. I wanted to seek out individuals whose feet were firmly grounded with a creative, fun loving adventurous spirit. I listened to upbeat, empowering music. We are talking about soul, jazz, soft rock, country, and songs sung by warriors and survivors. It made a huge difference in how I was willing to connect and engage with my world. So many people are going through the motions and truly not paying attention.

I have noticed the subtleties of our body language when we listen to music. We play air drums, tap the steering wheel to the beat, fling our hair, snap our fingers, and sway our hips. Which brings me to my next point, the genre and lyrics determine our attitude. Ever notice how fast the mood changes when someone plays a sad song? There's a huge difference in your attitude when you listen to Billy Joel's "Crocodile Rock" then when you listen to Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven". There is a time and place for each type of music. I remember playing "Living in Pain" by the Notorious BIG featuring 2 Pac, Mary J. Blige, and Nas over and over again when I first left my husband. I enjoyed having another individual who understood my pain and allowed me to feel without judging me. I didn't have to say a word, the words in the song said them all. You can hear the heaviness and gut wrenching pain in the lyrics. The cry for relief from extraordinarily challenging experiences. This genre of music is fantastic for allowing our youth who often feel silenced to feel heard. These songs connect with inner truths and unexpressed pent up traumas. I'm sure there is a song you play when you feel a little blue. My sister would always play Elton John's "That's Why They Call It the Blues" when she and a boyfriend would break up or "Crazy" by Patsy Cline. Whether we are aware of it or not, these songs allow us to expose and name those painful feelings without saying a word or sharing these personal experiences. It is healthy in the short term as it allows us to anonymously acknowledge our experiences both past and present which we keep hidden from the world. While there are many healing aspect to music and therapies using music to heal we must acknowledge how the genre of music effects us and our emotions.

I believe we begin to dance with danger when we get stuck in reliving and replaying those painful traumas over and over again without ever healing or changing our core beliefs. I believe we can fall into a trap of repeatedly triggering ourselves with no reprieve almost like telling a story over and over again. Where does the healing begin? It is a never ending cycle. This combined with the videos we watch, the movies we watch, the books we read, the places we go, the company we keep, and our jobs can potentially keep us locked into a cycle of retraumatization whether we know it or not. I had to leave my job as an EMT as I was constantly reminded of the abuse, trauma, injustice in our world which I had no power, authority, or influence to change. I simply would show up every day and see the same horrific scenes played out over and over again. I refused to be a part of the problem as my hands were tied and the police for the matter too as we have a lack of mental health care and understanding of the complexities which exist outside the bubble and safety we live in. It is not until you are on the inside you learn the complexities, brokenness and harsh realities which our system operates preventing good people from doing good jobs. You don't know what you know and I would challenge us all to explore the world outside our comfy bubble.

When we are constantly faced with trauma or reminders of past traumas our bodies never get a chance to calm, heal, or sit still. We are constantly bombarded with these internal messages of pain, hurt, anger, sadness, and a whole host of other feelings. I believe we can intervene with this repeated traumatizing by allowing individuals to express their inner feelings by adding two simple steps: dance and acting. Of course this is not the only answer and definitely not the only method. It is just one possibility of many. You don't have to have any formal education in dance or acting. It really is simple but there might need to be some moderating or coaching involved. Let me explain, if we play music which connects us to our pain then we allow a moment of silence where we express this pain by dancing or acting out our feelings through movement. Essentially this allows us to release the hold on the body caused by these pent up emotions. Step one, we hear the music which reminds us of the pain. Step two, we stop the music and release these emotions immediately through dance. Another way to accomplish this is to play the music then act out our feelings using improvisation, words. However, I prefer non violent improv. I am a huge fan of Tyler Perry's stage performances. We don't see "attack theater" rather we see actors using words to identify their emotions. No one does this better than Madea! This character, Madea, hits the nail on the head for me because it shows what it means to be a strong woman of the south! We are taught to bottle up our emotions and play nice. Kids are taught to behave, keep a stiff upper lip, and not cry. Another great example is the Penny Arcade in Pittsburgh, PA. This was taken from their website: Through a series of games and activities, guests will learn about  the foundations of improv comedy: collaboration, support, and listening. Along the way, we’ll be leading collaboration activities where kids can hop up and interact with the performers, use their imaginations, and get silly. By the end of the show, every guest is a “Penny Player” and has the opportunity to engage with the show and unleash their sense of humor.

Perhaps it is time for us to allow kids and adults to have an alter ego in a safe place. Unleash that beast inside of you by giving this emotional turmoil a name in a safe place. This is especially helpful for young children who are creative, energetic, and precocious. Foster a sense of creativity and tap into the healing of imagination. I like this improv idea better than "attack theater" as this teaches a non violent mode of expression. Rather than anger being physically directed towards someone we focus on collaboration and listening, acting without intent to harm. I have seen this work first hand in both children and adults. Give someone a prop, whether it is a hat, jacket, a magic wand, and we begin to see a transformation before our eyes. We see a creation of a character who feels safe expressing how "this character" feels. Something we would never dare to acknowledge in ourselves or dare to do.

I hope you enjoyed this post and perhaps challenge yourself to talk less on the phone. Leave the headphones at home, and talk to a stranger. Who knows you might meet someone incredible and fun! Happy new year!