Oh, Good Grief !

I wish I knew what I know now. I loved Charlie Brown growing up. I watched as a child amazed at how much he suffered and struggled yet he kept trying. I felt so bad for Charlie Brown as things never seemed to go his way. His expectations were never met. Despite all his disappointments, he always had a trusted friend to help ease his pain and someone to listen to him. Often times when I am struggling and the people around me keep telling me, "it will get better", "don't lose hope", what I hear instead is Charlie Brown's teacher, "wah, wah, wah, wah, wah". I have learned the only way for my pain and suffering to get better is to move through it using the stages of GRIEF. Most of my friends and family had no clue why it was so important for me to FEEL my feelings and express my pain. I needed a sounding board, someone to just listen without trying to fix it. Let me speak my feelings so that I name them and release them from my body. Instead society tells us to not be so angry, keep a tight lip, and smile. Society says be grateful and know someone has it worse. For me, this was unhelpful. The more I neglected to feel the more I became disconnected.

One thing I have learned during these extremely challegning times is that GRIEF has very real stages. I have often heard about the stages of change but never about the stages of grief. I didn't even know what I was feeling was grief. My entire body hurt. I just wanted to cry and wanted the pain of disappointment to leave my body. I wanted to feel good again! I wanted to reconnect and enjoy life. Once I learned I was grieving and my sadness and pain from all the losses I have endured, I began to understand how to cope in a healthy way. I am so thankful to my grief counselor who helped me to understand I must complete all the stages of GRIEF before I can truly heal. She helped me to identify my purpose in life which gave my life new meaning! Rather than focusing on myself, I began to see I can make a difference. I can be a light.

I believe most of us get stuck at anger as society doesn't like it when we express anger. Often times our anger comes out as blaming, lashing out, and harsh words which can sometimes wound those around us. For me, I hurt others unintentionally when I held in my disappointment and anger for too long. It became pent up and I exploded like an earthquake. We don't reach out for help when we expereince trauma or tragedy. We hold in our feelings. I was taught to hold in my feelings and I was great at it. I was taught to never express sadness, disappointment, or upset. I held in my disapointment and anger for so long I was ENRAGED. I was a wild fire burning. If only someone would have held me and said, Joel, what you are feeling and experiencing is the normal pain and suffering of grieving a loss. It is perfectly normal to be angry, it is what we do with these emotions of anger that determine if we are healthy or unhealthy. I didn't know it was possible to be angry and talk through my anger. I never learned how to do that. I think I am now a pro at handling my anger. I get upset, my face my turn a little red, but now I can handle disappointment without it rocking my world. I can breathe through disappointment. The little girl in me who had more losses than wins has learned to heal from those losses. I have learned to let go of the pain and move forward with a new quest for love, peace, joy, and happiness. I realize life is full of disappointments but now I am better able to handle them.

I can honestly say I feel more free today then I have ever felt in my life. It took hard work and lots of training to ease my way through the steps. I now believe I have done everything I could have possibly done to help my husband to heal from his trauma. I am not responsible for his decisions. I didn't break up our family. I am only responsbile for me and my actions. He must want help and be willing to do the work to heal his wounds. In the end, I chose me. I chose my children. I chose to walk away and it was the best decision I could have ever made. While I am still healing, I have come a long way and I have my life! I know I am loveable and I know God is not done with me yet!

If you are struggling with loss, I hope you take the time to speak with a GRIEF counselor. Change and moving throught the stages of grief is ugly, it is hard, and at times it is brutal. Seperation and divorce are painful and challenging. You don't have to go through it alone. Talk to someone. You are worth it.

I hope you read the list below and see GRIEF can be good if we allow ourselves to work through each step and take the time to heal from the incredible losses we have endured. It takes time and it takes love, patience, and forgiveness. Please reach out to a grief counselor if you or a loved one is struggling. There is help.

Stages of GRIEF

1. Shock

2. Denial

3. Anger

4. Bargaining

5. Depression

6. Testing

7. Acceptance